I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood