“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
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Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.