Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive