Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
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*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.