Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
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Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
every. time.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t