be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
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[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Mornin
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home