I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
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“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Worlds greatest photobomb
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.