I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
You Might Also Like
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.