ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things