Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
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CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Only a mother’s love …
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.