I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
My wife has the worst taste in men.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up