5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
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If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I have questions??
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My dad teaching me to drive
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Finally!
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Just the best dancing sandwiches.