The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”