Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
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The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.