[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
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“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(