Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
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Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Gemma Correll
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative