[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
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Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
HELP 😭
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted