Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
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Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.