I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
You Might Also Like
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.