All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
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love it when they get my name right
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”