#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
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*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
wtf management?!
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.