I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
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I think we should hear other voices.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
This could be us but you eatin’
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money