For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
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We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.