I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
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8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
opening twitter today
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….