My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
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I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Did my cat write this
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.