Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
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Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
scrabbled eggs
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.