A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
stand with me against insufficient seating
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch