Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
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I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.