i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
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My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”