*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
You Might Also Like
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders