“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
You Might Also Like
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”