Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
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Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
nobody’s gonna understand
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.