Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
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I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My dad is at it again
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”