Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
You Might Also Like
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
And now we wait
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.