[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
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My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.