a fool and his money are hey new iphone
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My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
hmm conte-me mais
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.