Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
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Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?