I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
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knights of the ikea table
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Oh my god
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Phones down.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??