3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
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Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.