running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk