*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
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The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
What?
Oh no
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.