Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
You Might Also Like
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek