I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet