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Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better