Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
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What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
She was rare, like a goth jogging
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Snapes on a plane.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.