I hope this email punches you square in the face
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Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.