My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Sticker placement is key.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes