[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
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For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!