[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
How dude HOW?!
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening