Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
TODAY
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.